the hierophant + spiritual crisis

the hierophant from the darkness of light tarot

the hierophant from the darkness of light tarot

i have come to a crossroads or standstill (i'm not sure which) in my healing. the first six months i dedicated myself to overcoming the initial trauma and aftermath. as i distant myself from it, i find myself asking, "what's next?" as i break free from everything, i find more blocks, and then more blocks. 

i'm asking the right questions, exploring the right avenues, but i still feel trapped. i turned to tarot, something i haven't done in quite some time. tarot is frustrating for me - i look for answers it cannot give my directly.

"i feel like i'm at a crossroads/standstill - what's making me feel like this?" i pulled the hierophant. i have been listening to the major arcana + mental health - a podcast miniseries by the firebrand witch, and the main takeaway of the hierophant is "how has society failed me?"

this is a key player for me. see, i said tarot doesn't give me direct answers, but it does give me answers.

i am not part of any organized groups or institutions, but technically, i am part of a community - the online spiritual community, and, if you'll go along with me here, energy as community.

i am highly sensitive. HIGHLY SENSITIVE. i feel the energy of crystals, planetary shifts, people, electronics. i could go on and on. some are easy for me to manage. i don't work with crystals a lot (ironic, i know). i'm careful with reiki. i have an EMF protector as a phone case. but astrology.. that just happens and i can't avoid it. every wave of energy seeps into me. i can't control or stop it.

this same idea rings true with my healing surrounding narcissistic abuse. along with being highly sensitive, i am an empath.

they say empaths and narcissists are opposite ends of the spectrum.
they say empaths will attract the narcissist.
they say the narcissist reveals and teaches lessons.
they say empaths and narcissists are soulmates.
they say we've all signed soul contracts.
they say i agreed to this.. agreed to the narcissist's terms, to the abuse.

and once it happened - meeting the narcissist, i was trapped. the energy was sealed. the gaslighting and manipulation began. the trauma bonding rooted itself deeply into my cells. i was not in control. i was at the mercy of universal energy and my abuser.

society has always made me an outcast. in middle and high school, i was "weird." i had my friends but when i met my abuser, he instantly became my best friend, my "person," my everything (soulmates, remember?). part of being in an abusive relationship is isolation. so, soon my friends vanished, even my sister and parents to varying degrees. my abuser truly became my everything, my only thing.

the longer the relationship went on, the "weirder" society made me feel. i was "weirder," but with him.. i was me. i was accepted. i was at home.

i am different than others. my experiences are harsh. my current situation is abnormal in almost every regard. i am "weird" by society's standards.

i self isolate because i feel society as a collective judging me. i self isolate because i am still at the mercy of my abuser (and, therefore, the universe).

and, if i was/always have been at their mercy, why is it any different now? why bother? why should i fight against it? why not just let it all ride out if that's what it'll do anyway?

everywhere i look i am reminded that i have no power, that i never had power.

so, i must question these beliefs.

i am where i'm supposed to be.
i will be in situations that i need to be in.
i will be taught the lessons i need to learn.

it sounds so comforting.. until it doesn't. i don't know how to not be energy's tool, energy's pawn.

i am at a crossroads, a standstill. how can i continue to believe what i believe, believe what i cannot deny? energy exists. i see it, i feel it. how can i believe in this if it's harming me, if it's blocking me, if i am consumed by it, maybe even punished by it?